just been on my mind

i have no idea whats going on any more. my life seems to be falling apart in so many different ways. im being crushed under the pressure of having to change so much. to uproot so much of my life so quickley. i feel out of control. i feel so many emotions all at once its making my head spin. and thats all my head ever seems to do any more is spin.. and spin.. and spin.. so instead of fighting it any more i just lay back and watch the colors fly and my world fall apart. i call for help. yet no one answers. i feel so alone and helpless. i feel like a child. i try and tell myself that im storng enough to handle it. if i just take one problem at a time and try to fix it compleatley instead of half assing it and moving on to the next one, atleast something can be accomplished. but when things are moving too fast, i get overwhelmed and i just let go of it all.
the thing is i know im strong enough. i am more then capable of taking my life by the throat and and telling it to stop spinning. but its so hard. then reality sets in that im insecure and i just panic. i forget who i am and i tell myself that i cant. i just let my emotions take over and destroy my world. and its not like i dont have any one here by my side telling me that i cant. whispering to me that im nothing but a failure. as a matter of fact i have many people telling me that i can. that im a strong woman and i can handle myself. its all true. yet i find myself thinking other wise. telling myself that i cant and that im wasting my time trying. some days i just hate myself. so i destroy myself. and make myself believe that i cant accomplish anything.
why do i think like this? why do i tell myself that im an inadequate human being even though i know im not? instead of taking control, like how i know i can, i just let it fall though my fingers?
i want to know who i am. i want to get my life together already. i want to be happy, more then any thing. i want to be healthy. i want to matter to someone. to be loved unconditionally. i want this anger, frustration, sorrow, hate, betrayal, and most of all loneliness to just disappear. to not even know the very definition of those words. i want these emotions gone so bad and i try so hard to send them away but theyre still here.. theyre still here.. im not asking for too much.. am i? i know you dont always get what you want in life but why are simple things like being happy always out of my reach?

when you realize you have no life..

so being on bed rest is a horrific thing. i wouldnt wish this on my worst enemy! why is it so terrible you may ask?? well think about it. you cant really get out of bed, and when you do its only to take a dump or make food. whooo hooo!! and you cant leave your house at all cause you cant spend too much time on your feet and most locations dont have random places to sit when needed. not to mention its not like you can just get out of the house and go for a walk for obvious reasons. so needless to say your gonna spend an ungodly amount of time in bed. leaving you with not much to do other then laying down stuff.. like watch a movie youve seen for the hundredth time, or read a book you cant seem to get into, or even break out an old video game you get bored with after 10mins. so you try and do something else, like text a so called friend to come visit you.. but they never text back or they "didnt have time cause they were too busy".. when really its cause they forgot about you and made funner plans or even they just didnt want to see you. so now very lonely and bored you find yourself reading up on peoples facebooks. seeing who is now in a relationship with who, or oh this person just got arrested last night, or  look theres a party (that you didnt get invited to) going on right now! at this point not only are you bored and lonely, your now hurt.. so while your sitting on your couch sobbing and talking to your dog about your horrible friends and growing love handles, it comes to you.. "omg i have no life!!"
now let me tell you something about this realization.. its a terrible one! when you realize youve reached a point in your life where you have no friends, no way of entertaining yourself in a healthy way, AND youve resorted to talking to your dog about all these problems, you feel pretty terrible!! not to mention a little crazy..
so finally your bored, lonely, hurt, and now crazy.. leaving you do do nothing but blog it all out and wait till your water breaks... aahhhhh.. i have no life!!!!

my first blog!

ok so this is my first blog ever. i have no idea what im doing but i hope it isnt going to turn out too crappy.
pretty much the only reason why im even doing this is cause i have nothing better to do with my day. im lonely, bored, pregnant, and i need something to take my mind off of the pain in my neck from laying around all day.
ok so enough with the depressing stuff... im still trying to figure out how this whole thing works. i was informed that i can write about any random thing you want or something as simple as your day.. but since no one cares about my day i'll just be writing about other things! :) but yeah this is my first blog.. very sort and uninteresting, hope the next one will be better ha