just been on my mind

i have no idea whats going on any more. my life seems to be falling apart in so many different ways. im being crushed under the pressure of having to change so much. to uproot so much of my life so quickley. i feel out of control. i feel so many emotions all at once its making my head spin. and thats all my head ever seems to do any more is spin.. and spin.. and spin.. so instead of fighting it any more i just lay back and watch the colors fly and my world fall apart. i call for help. yet no one answers. i feel so alone and helpless. i feel like a child. i try and tell myself that im storng enough to handle it. if i just take one problem at a time and try to fix it compleatley instead of half assing it and moving on to the next one, atleast something can be accomplished. but when things are moving too fast, i get overwhelmed and i just let go of it all.
the thing is i know im strong enough. i am more then capable of taking my life by the throat and and telling it to stop spinning. but its so hard. then reality sets in that im insecure and i just panic. i forget who i am and i tell myself that i cant. i just let my emotions take over and destroy my world. and its not like i dont have any one here by my side telling me that i cant. whispering to me that im nothing but a failure. as a matter of fact i have many people telling me that i can. that im a strong woman and i can handle myself. its all true. yet i find myself thinking other wise. telling myself that i cant and that im wasting my time trying. some days i just hate myself. so i destroy myself. and make myself believe that i cant accomplish anything.
why do i think like this? why do i tell myself that im an inadequate human being even though i know im not? instead of taking control, like how i know i can, i just let it fall though my fingers?
i want to know who i am. i want to get my life together already. i want to be happy, more then any thing. i want to be healthy. i want to matter to someone. to be loved unconditionally. i want this anger, frustration, sorrow, hate, betrayal, and most of all loneliness to just disappear. to not even know the very definition of those words. i want these emotions gone so bad and i try so hard to send them away but theyre still here.. theyre still here.. im not asking for too much.. am i? i know you dont always get what you want in life but why are simple things like being happy always out of my reach?